I feel as if untethered to this Earth. Not caught up in all its allure. I look outward, away from myself, and there is everything, and looking in, I see a separate world.
I do not feel as if it has always been this way, but my head leaks, and I find my memories drained. I remember in the past I went biking, before I left home. I passed through endless fields and small towns, there was a sharp sweat, the marshmallow golden rays of the sun, and a gentle midwest breeze. For hours everyday that was all there was. I was that. There was no need for any other world, all one could need was there. Bramble berries lining the paths, creeks trickling under noisy wooden bridges, heavy breathes that pushed up rolling woody hills.
I can’t remember anything else from that time, what I was at home, or school. Everything but the trail is so vague to me.
It’s strange how a time once so close to me is now as mysterious and unknown as my childhood. I feel every year I forget who I was, like I can never have a history.
I have no stories to tell, no deeds to put to my name. Surely I must have done something, something must have happened, but if it did, I simply do not recall.
It is equally strange that the fog will come into this time too. One day I will sit back and think, ”What did I do at UIC?” and all of the faces and places will disappear, and again will I disappear to myself.
I thought that when I stopped living my whole life on the computer I would remember. I thought something would happen that I could hold onto. I thought I’d have stories to tell when I grow old.
That time has never come, and I remain a complete stranger to myself. Not unhappy, not scared, not smiling, only confused and clueless as to what I am and what I want to be.